On Regrets and the Unspoken Words

In which I tried to recall the last moment my partner and I said I love you.

The glass shattered on the floor but thankfully you didn’t hurt your hand. I tried to call the front desk, but you asked me to hang up on them. Honestly, I was a bit scared. You never had that look in your eyes. You stumbled and sat on the floor, one leg folded in front of your chest. You said something I couldn’t recall.

I tried to approach you, but the glass was everywhere. That night, I said sorry a thousand times. I cupped your face and there was water. I didn’t know you cried ‘cause you had your head down most of the time. I called the front desk once again.

A cleaner lady and a man came in.

“Put it in the bill,” you said. I saw their wandering eyes but they got to keep their mouth shut, this wasn’t some cheap hotel where walls can hear and talk.

I tried to reach you.

“So what you were saying was… I have spent half of my life, giving you everything I had and got for… nothing? A-and me being with you was for nothing?” you started the conversation.

My tears broke.

“Never have I thought that being with you for 12 years is for nothing. Never. This is just some shit that I’ve been dealing with myself. It’s not you or the relationship it’s me,” I pleaded.

“But who are you in the relationship with?” you raised your voice for the first time in 12 years.

“It’s me. Don’t I have a say in this too? Have you considered me in this matter?” you looked at me, eyes dried.

“I’m sorry” all that I could say that night.

“I love you so much. I’ve loved you for half of my life, we’ve been together for so long,” you sounded desperate.

“I’m sorry. I love you so much too,”

“Don’t,” you got up and opened the door.

“You know the way. I think we’re done here. I heard you loud and clear. Got it,” it was your cue to ask me to leave your room.

I feel regretful about a lot of things — for not saying good bye to my long-gone childhood friends, for having too many meals in a day sometimes, for partying too much in high school, for not telling my father what I really felt about the divorce, for being reckless in university, and for being someone who I wasn’t when I got my first job. But nothing really beats the regret that I feel that night.

That night, we decided — well, *I* decided to end everything. 12 years. Lord. We were 24 at that time. It felt like I erased the record of half of my life. Nothing made sense before or after *the thing*.

The Before

I drove to the hotel where he stayed for a week. On the way, my tongue felt numb. I was planning to rehearse in my car, but words couldn’t find me.

At once, I also felt a big wave of yearning. I missed him so much at that time. I miss him, we haven’t seen each other for a year! Seeing him through metal device didn’t count.

Once he arrived at the lobby, I grinned, but he looked annoyed. I knew we were about to talk about something important, but I missed him and I thought he’d miss me too. Honestly, I thought he’d welcome me the way he always did — with his arms open. I walked behind him and he didn’t even turn back once.

The After

He didn’t slam the door. Thank you. My legs gave up outside his room. I sat on the floor for a good minute. I wanted to knock on his door again, I wanted him to let me in and talked to me again.

Realized that there’s a CCTV pointing at me, I pulled myself together and walked away. I remember leaving the hotel crying. I remember my face felt hot. I didn’t remember seeing anyone but me in that hotel, as if I was in an empty asylum — everything was white around me.

I cried in the car. I cried hard. No, I bawled my eyes out. I almost called him and asked him to pick me up again at the hotel lobby. Things spun in my head — memories of us; the day we met for the first time, the day I looked into your eyes for the first time, our first conversation, our first kiss, your laugh when I cracked jokes, everything… moved like a flash, it didn’t give me a chance to grab on it.

I remember I wanted to crash the car. I just wanted to end everything, including my life.

The Long After

An old time friend once reached out to me just to say, “Wow, I can’t believe you turned down such a great guy!” to which I replied, “Fuck you,” then blocked the dude right away. I don’t pride myself in making people cry. I can sometimes be a pain in the ass, but really, I never want to see anyone cry because of me — no, especially him.

Oh, 2021 me have so much to say to my ex-boyfriend that my 2016 me didn’t have the guts to say. It’s been so strange. In 2021 I long for my ex-boyfriend so much that I barely sleep on time. Most of the time, I sleep because I hope I can see him in my dreams. I’m that desperate, gosh.

I’m glad I got rid most of his stuff though — his letters, gifts, and photos, but not his clothes. I’m keeping it for no logical and sane reasons. I just want to keep it. I hope I don’t sound like a serial killer.

“Pale sunlight, pale the wall. Love moves away. The light changes I need more grace than I thought. Whenever they rebuild an old building, they must first of all destroy the old one.” — Rumi

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