A Letter to My Ghost (iv)
Dear Abby,
I’ve been going to therapy twice a month since February. My therapist and I finally got to the point where we discussed about my attachment style. The good news was… attachment style is flexible and can change from time to time. The bad news was me having to admit that I’m mostly the dismissive-avoidant type. According to science; I’m the type to downplay the importance of having relationships, I’m extremely self-reliant, I have trouble in trusting others, yadda… yadda… Does it give you the kind of answer that would satisfy you a few years ago? If I were to know who I was better, would it save us?
Dear Abby,
This longing feels stronger every day. Whenever I feel like I want to give up, I think of you. Whenever I feel like I’m overwhelmed, I think of being in your arms. Whenever I feel like a task at work is too hard, I cry while imagining that you’d send me comforting texts. It’s embarrassing — as someone who claims to be extremely self-reliant. But this grief feels never ending and the abyss that I was falling into gets darker and more suffocating. I want you to be in my life again, but that was an extremely selfish request. I want you to be by my side when I feel lonely. I want you —
Dear Abby,
I’ve told you many times that losing you was like losing a home. Never in my life I had a more secure feeling than when I was with you. Never in my life I had a more confident when I was with you. Being with you really proved that the loneliest and saddest nights only existed in my head.
Dear Abby,
I want to have your superpower too — the ability to be the source of contentment not for other but for myself, the ability to be the source of bravery for myself, the ability to be the source of companionship for myself. Teach me how you did it.
