A Letter to My Ghost (iii)
Another letter that you’d never find and read.
I’ve been crying a lot. I cried because I watched this movie that reminded me of you. I cried because I listened to a song and it brought me back to you. I cried because this month is your birthday month. I cried because last night I dreamt of you and it was another overly vivid dream.
The dream went like this. We were on a ship with a lot of strangers, just countless of people with blurred faces. We were the only protagonists. We were sitting on the floor, looking at the ocean that was shimmering gold because of the sunset. The whole world was quiet and we were quiet too.
You folded your legs and put your head on it. I stole a glance and you were looking at me. This time, I could see your face clearly. I began to trace your face with my fingers like I used to when you went out from the airport gate. Your nose — the bridge of it, your eyelashes, your eyebrows, your cheekbones, and your lips, I could feel every curve with my hands. You didn’t complain like you used to. You just let me do it. Maybe that’s why people said that dream is the opposite of the reality.
The world was still quiet and the sunset was still there when I looked into your eyes. Funny, in reality, the sun sets pretty fast. We really didn’t say anything, but I said this in my head, “I’m back home”.
I was dying to ask you so many things in the dream but my mouth wouldn’t open. I really didn’t know if a dream has some sort of rules. So, we were just there, eyes to eyes, smiling like fools. I miss that smile — yes the smile you had when you came out running from the airport whenever you came home, the smile you had when we were driving and I acted like I was Beyonce while I actually sound out of tune most of the time, and the smile you had when I apologized for something.
The ship sailed smoothly, contrary to what happened to us. The sunset was still there, even though it already felt like eternity. The breeze, I could feel it.
Last time when I dreamt of you, it was such a sad dream. I cried a lot in that dream and cried again when I woke up. Thank you, in this dream, you let me look at your face. I miss you, so much. No, I’m longing for you — for your presence in my life, for a hand that will hold me and save me from the brink of failure, and for a safe space that you always provided.
I’ve been writing and telling everyone that I misses you. I actually want to know if you miss me too? Or have you erased me completely from your life? I really wanted to ask you that in the dream, because dream was the only place you’d actually want to see me.
Would it be okay if I came home to you?