A Letter to my Ghost

Dear Abby,

Seems like the world is finally ending — and I kinda hope we were still together, so you’d witness it with me, making lame antics about wanting to die via Skype, parted by continents and oceans. I told you, both of us aren’t gonna make it through the apocalypse if this whole situation goes worse. But the world comes to an end isn’t even the worst thing that I want to tell you in this letter.

Today is the day when my worst fear became real. I no longer dream of you. You haven’t been in my dream for quite a while now.

The last time I saw you, it was daylight. Almost 4 pm, I think. No, was it in the morning? I think it was because the sunlight was bright white not warm yellow. Probably around 9 am — when the sun is at its perfect throne, you said. We were together. You were there, your broad back facing me — in the distance. We were in the middle of a vast sunflower field. Vast doesn’t even cut it, the field was borderless. I saw nothing but you and sunflowers. The sunlight patted my back and it was warm. You turned your back slowly but I couldn’t see your face. Didn’t I wear my glasses in the dream? I could only cry, not histerically. You know that type of crying, right? I couldn’t make a sound, the tears — they weren’t hot or warm, they were just there. Then you made your back shown and walked away from me and I didn’t even try to reach you. I couldn’t reach you, my feet were glued to the ground. You walked away and the silhouette of your back faded away. Then I woke up, crying.

Abby,

For the past 4 years, I used to say this, “As long as I still dream of him, then I’ll be fine.” but the last time I dreamt of you was 6 months ago. I think the only thing that keeps me sane is our memories. It’s the only thing that keeps pushing me forward and pulling me out of the water. Now it’s gone. What should I do?

It sucks realizing that all I have now is a collection of foggy memories of you, of us — who we were used to be. Honestly, who was I before us happened? What happened to us? Why did I give up on you knowing that it’d pain me so much?

Abby,

I still thought about killing myself, but strangely… I stopped trying. For a while. Aren’t you proud of me? I think you’d want to hear this, because I know how much tears have fallen from your beautiful almond eyes every time I told you how much I’ve always wanted to die. You were just there, trying to convince me that dying would only inflict more pain, while I knew damn well you too wanted to die.

Abby,

Are you finally happy? Lately, because I realized I no longer dream of you, I’ve been searching for answers to my discontentment. Is this because I haven’t processed what happened to us 4 years ago? This emptiness that only grows bigger, is this because I haven’t had a full face-off with myself and our memories? Is this because I stopped trying to deal with it, thought it didn’t affect me, but here I am writing a letter to you that you probably wouldn’t even find.

Abby,

I don’t know if this is because we’re currently in uncharted territory, maybe because we know that we’re all on the verge of losing to a virus, my feelings intensify. I miss you. I miss you so much. I’d do anything to have you in my dreams again. I’d die for it, no, dying is easy, I’d even live for it. Anyway, it’s almost my birthday, I’m hoping I’d see you in my dreams. I’m not gonna lie, I miss your birthday emails and flowers. You’re just so good with words, huh?

I hope in the middle of this chaos, you’re safe and sound, wrapped in the arms of someone who cares about and loves you deeply.

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